A Prayer

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

-Thomas Merton

I've been thinking a lot about leaving lately. Amy and I reserved airplane tickets the other week; I'm actually leaving. July 26 to be exact. Less than 3 months from now.

I think my mind, and body, are getting ready for the transition. I'm craving salads and western food. The other day I realized I had started a mental list of thing I will NOT miss when I leave. Dust. Constantly being dirty. Kids yelling 'hello' (these are the same kids who see me everyday!). Men hacking up loogies (HATE THAT). Sweating...constantly. Traveling incessantly.

And of course there are things I'm so excited for in the States like blueberries. Family. Friends. People who obey traffic lights!

Yet, I don't want to do this. Not yet. I can't. As much as I am anticipating returning to the States, I don't want to think about it. I still don't know what I'm doing when I return. Still waiting for that letter that was mailed almost a month ago. I don't want to think about goodbyes. I have lived here for almost 3 years; I'm rooted here. How can I just up and leave when I don't know when I am returning. If I am returning.

Last night I went to the Bella Voce benefit concert. Two fellow MCCers, Susie and Daniel, are a part of the group and since I was in the big city of Phnom Penh, I took advantage of the opportunity. The concert was held in the ballroom of the 5 star Intercontinental Hotel (carpet, couches, ornate decorations, GRASS!), a completely different world. The theme was African spiritual songs and shortly after intermission a Cambodian tenor, Chanthavouth Hy who is currently studying in Canada, led us in a wonderful round of Edelweiss and 3 other selections. I thoroughly enjoyed the event; yet, it was a strange conglomeration of West and East. Like my breakfast this morning, fresh mangoes, yogurt and tea. Or the dress I'm getting made for my cousin's wedding this fall-Asian silk in a Western design. I'm stuck at this crossroads; I don't want to choose between the East and West, I want a merger of the two...like the concert last night.

Yet, when I return to the States will I continue with this integration? Will I allow the past three years to stay with me as I readapt to the now foreign North American country of which I am a citizen? Thursday we had our Prey Veng Expat Bible study. Barb shared how Cambodia will always be with us, no matter where God leads. I totally agree with her, but will I simply find it easier to assimilate back into American culture by abandoning my experiences here? Friday I was meandering around the internet and wound up reading some cooking/recipe related blogs about women who are wives and stay at home moms. Suddenly I saw my future flash before my eyes and I freaked out. I cannot allow myself to become that. Ever. But ten years ago that's what I wanted. Now it is my deepest fear.

Perhaps my fear lies in my interpretation. I see these women as having no ambition beyond their children, and while that is fantastic, I'm not in that place. I also see them as proud supporters of Walmart, cheap prices, labor exploitation, poverty, overpopulation and a lifestyle that encourages inequalities in the world. A lifestyle that supports the economic oppression of poorer countries by large corporations, valuing their own families yet forgetting the families of subsistence farmers in Guatemala where their morning coffee is grown. My fear is that I'll become complacent, enjoy the bountiful excesses of the West, and forget my experience heres. The dire poverty. The dirty/muddy, unpaved roads traveled by bicycle, moto, motorcycle, minivan, bus, truck and foot. The markets full of fresh, luscious whole foods without added chemicals or unnecessary packaging. The simple beauty of a bowl of perfectly steamed rice.

Despite the concerns rising in my heart, I know it will all work out. God has led me here and will lead me again. I just need to be patient.

25

I’m a quarter of a century old now as I turned 25 on the 25th of March. My golden birthday. My last birthday in Cambodia. Although I didn’t attend a concert or have someone fly to visit me as my last two birthdays had, this one was just as memorable.

Monday night Ruth and Charles planned a birthday celebration in Prey Veng inviting all of the MCCers, Barb and her family, and two new Swedish friends, Julia and Evelina. Scott was leaving early the next morning for work meetings in Kep so Monday was chosen. Since my mom’s visit last year, Charles has befriended her and sporadically talks with her on gchat. As a surprise, Charles chatted with my mom about some of my favorite foods that are available in Cambodia. Although I have never been much of a meat eater, I love chicken; however, all of the chicken here is, as Ruth rightly described, athletic...aka dry, chewy tendons. But Ruth did make some of the best chicken I have had here as it was moist and easily chewable. We also had baked potatoes, fried apples, organic red leaf lettuce salad, and steamed carrots. For dessert we had carrot cake with CREAM CHEESE icing. I was shocked! First, I try to avoid foods containing dairy with Charles around due to his allergy. Second, cream cheese is not available in Prey Veng; it must be purchased in Phnom Penh and carried back. Third, cream cheese is freakin’ expensive here. I was delighted they had planned such a wonderful treat.



Tuesday has nothing to do with my birthday, though it’s worth mentioning. Charles and I went out to the Angkeardei Primary School to orient Julia and Evelina to some of the work MCC does. It’s the middle of the dry season so we went by motos, Charles and Evelina on one and Julia and myself on the other. However, the last 9 km of road isn’t a road; it’s a foot of dust. Literally. Pictures don't do it justice. Once I’d almost tipped the moto over, and a few times I had to stop and ask Julia to get off so I could navigate through the mountains of dirt. On the way back one of the teachers offered to dup Julia to the next town. I was extremely thankful for both the offer and Julia’s nonchalant manner about getting on and off. Julia and Evelina will return to Sweden in about a week; I wish they could stay longer.

Wednesday didn’t start out too well. I talked with my mom on gchat for a while, but I was in a quiet office where not much dialogue happens. It didn’t help there were men hired to repaint the gate who looked creepy and kept staring at me. Julia came over after lunch to make Swedish pancakes for her going away party that evening with her host family. On whim (and for my sanity) I had decided to go into Phnom Penh that afternoon. After Julia finished with the pancakes the taxi driver was waiting outside my house. A quick trip in and I was in the PP office which had the AC running. Ahhh. That was another delightful surprise. Along with the 10 cards I received from various family members, and people who attend my parent’s new church.
That evening Amy, Charles, Seiha and I went out for dinner at Cafe Yejj and ice cream at Swensen’s. Since Seiha’s husband, Pisit, was away, we had a girls’ sleepover at her house. Sometimes I wish I was in PP more often to be with friends. And basically that’s why I went into PP. I hate living alone; I think I would have gone insane if I had stayed in Prey Veng for the latter part of last week. I need to be around people who I can connect with and care about me.


Thursday night Daniel, Amanda and I ordered pizza and watched LOST. Yeah, we’re kinda addicted. Charles and Miles came later and were lost, literally, when they were watching.

It’s not every birthday I get to celebrate three times. And, honestly, I got what I really wanted-to spend time with people, people who have greatly impacted me the past few years of my life, unlikely friends who have become closer than some family members. People who will be hard to say goodbye to in July.

On this lovely afternoon in the PV office with not much to do a funny situation prompted me to realize, once again, I live in Asia. Oh, how I've changed. So, you know you live in Prey Veng, Cambodia when...

After picking a ripe mango off a tree at the office, peeling and consuming it, you say "now I want some sticky rice."

Showering three or four times a day is typical.

You not only rejoice when it rains, but sit and watch it.

You play in the rain when it rains in the dry season.

The local policeman finds you and asks about the other foreigners in town, assuming you know all of them. (and yes, I do)

You've perfected the ability to ignore men who stare at you.

You start to stare at foreigners you don't know.

Spiders, geckos, and in general bugs become your friends...and entertainment.

Mosquitoes are still evil though.

You try on prom dresses at the local market to kill time.

When the power goes off at the office it's not a big deal anymore.

Seeing a new house being built is a huge deal, involving several text messages between you and your coworkers.

You text about anything. Including poo, solid poos, runny poos. No poos.

When you're bored you go to the market. And buy food.

You make bread every weekend out of necessity and as a form of entertainment.

Biking is the best form of transportation.

Boys leaving dirty dishes in the sink continues to annoy you.

BBC is your link to the outside world...along with facebook, blogs, and gmail chat.

You become a connoisseur of soy sauce.

An average day gets up to 95F. A warm day is 100F. A hot day is anything above 101F.

On hot days, your sweating resumes instantly.

You sleep with a blanket at night because 78F is cold.

Pizza and movie nights are considered livin' it in up the big city of Phnom Penh.

You do things for the greater good.

Khmer Rouge Tribunals

The first trial of comrade Duch started yesterday at the Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts of Cambodia (ECCC).

I can't imagine the horrors that started during that infamous Khmer New Year in 1975 and lasted until 1979.
I can't imagine the rampant fear of an entire country.
I can't imagine Vietnamese control over this amazing land.
I can't imagine how UNTAC changed the landscape.
I can't believe the trials are actually happening after 30 years.

Below are two links, one from the Phnom Penh Post about the Khmer Rouge Tribunal, the other from the New York Times from a Frenchman. I would encourage you to read both as they both give a different perspective.

http://www.phnompenhpost.com/index.php/2009021724257/National-news/-I-have-waited-30-years-for-this-trial-Vann-Nath.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/17/opinion/17bizot.html?_r=1&scp=4&sq=khmer%20rouge&st=cse

Does it happen in America?

I have exciting news! WPM got a new donor! I was exstatic when I found out. The beneficiary is V-Day which raises money with V-Day celebrations and production of The Vagina Monologues to prevent abuse to women around the world. This year V-Day is supporting women in the Congo and for the production in Cambodia, WPM was chosen as the local beneficiary. :)

As part of the agreement, the producers of this group wanted WPM to come to several events, one which was last night was the screening of Until the Violence Stops, describing the history of The Vagina Monologues and the movement to stop violence against women. Sona, the executive director of WPM, had called me on Tuesday asking me to come into Phnom Penh and attend this event with them. Knowing the place the film was going to be shown and that the audience would mostly be western, I agreed to go with them.

Sona, Munney and I arrived about an hour before the film was to be shown, and with few other people around, we had free time to talk. This was an amazing experience for me to chat with Sona and Munney about their personal experiences and their views on sexuality, vaginas, what’s talked about in Cambodia and female empowerment. The general responses were unmarried women don’t talk about anything having to do with their reproductive system until they are married. Even then, only childbirth is talked about. The female reproductive system is either ‘dirty’ or ‘sexy’ or for childbirth. Likewise, domestic violence or rape isn’t talked about. Women believe they are to blame for the domestic abuse or rape and they brought it on themselves and now are ‘unworthy.’ More awareness is going on with programs like the one WPM is running, but for the most part, domestic violence is still seen as that family’s problem and local police and villagers will not get involved. After explaining the Cambodian mindset to me, Munney asked, “What about in America? Do you talk about these things?” I mumbled we talk about it some.

Later that night I got to thinking; we don’t talk about domestic violence, abuse, or rape in America. It’s socially taboo. We talk about sex, teenage pregnancy, porn, sexual exploration, abstinence, but not domestic violence. Why is this? I know it happens; I see the after effects. Looking back on my childhood I can recall people who were abused, though they never told me. What I struggle with more is the fact that so much abuse happens in the church and the establishment ignores it. I grew up with the assumption that if a woman was removed from an abusive relationship, she’ll just return to it or find another abusive partner. But statistics say this woman was possibly abused as a child. Where does this cycle end? When does the stigma disappear that we associate with relationships involving abuse? Why doesn’t the church stand up against violence instead of passively ignoring it and, thus condoning it?

Why don’t I stand up? I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll lose the attention of the women I’m trying to help, I’ll lose the my support network, and I’ll be ostracized by the establishment. I’m afraid I’ll become cynical and harsh, disillusioned with this matter as I have with other things. But, what if, just maybe, we try to heal the scars? The scars of abuse, disillusionment, and regain that last beam of hope left deep inside? I can find healing for my own cynicism, my own disillusionment with the established church. In the grand scheme of things, healing my own wounds may not bring world peace, but it is one step in the path of pacifism.

A Wedding, an Illness and a New Year

A Wedding, an Illness and a New Year

For the most part my life is here relatively calm and predictable. I live in a safe place, to calm my family’s fears; I have good friends and get healthy food. Yet, when something happens, everything happens.

When Gunthia (the first one) was still my teacher I would tease her about dating Noun, Charles’s host brother. I’d see them sitting together sharing fruit shakes, riding along the waterfront, or hanging out all the time at church. She would always deny it with a radiant smile of infatuation. Secretly they were dating; it wasn’t until they had their engagement party last August that they weren’t shy about being recognized together in public.

Needless to say, I was rather excited when I heard their wedding was to be at the end of December. During ‘language lessons,’ Gunthia would tell me about her Buddhist family, her desire to attend university and her faith. Her parents thought educating girls was a waste of time and money along with her Christian faith. However, Gunthia was determined to gain whatever knowledge she could by becoming a teacher and to strengthen her faith by marrying a Christian man. Noun’s parents aren’t Christian but rather atheist with a Buddhist grandmother. I knew Gunthia would give her children the opportunities she wasn’t allowed.

December was a busy month for me. After returning in November I had some work to catch up on and, of course, that meant travel. I wasn’t in PV every Sunday to go to church so I didn’t see as much of Gunthia as I normally would. However, the Christmas service was interesting and I saw Gunthia briefly afterwards. No wedding invitation. I went to Phnom Penh the week of Christmas and then Kompong Ch’nang. I came back December 28. Still no wedding invitation. Um. Perhaps Gunthia is secretly mad at me. Maybe she’ll stop by this afternoon. Nope. No wedding invitation.

The morning of the 29th I had scheduled to meet Bunrey at the NILH office in Kompong Trabek, a 1.5 to 2 hour moto ride to the southeastern part of the province. When I arrived at the office I heard the wedding music as Gunthia’s house is only one block from the office. Shortly after I arrived Watana stopped by to give me a wedding invitation! To his wedding on January 3. Wrong wedding invitation.

I went to Kompong Trabek (riding the 250cc!), came back around 1 grabbed a quick bite to eat at the guiteav restaurant and went back to work at 2. My stomach was upset by 4 and I went home at 5. After lying in my hammock for forty five minutes I decided I should find some dinner. Checking my phone first I realized I missed a call from Barb and had a text saying “Hi, we are at the wedding and the bride is asking for you. Can you come?” I replied I hadn’t been invited. After a quick attempt to call Barb and talk over the booming music Barb just texted me saying she was sending Charles after me to be ready. But Charles had also been sick earlier that day. Why in the world was Charles out riding his bike to get me? Frantically after 10 minutes Charles and I were on bikes to the wedding. Khmer weddings always have the wedding party and parents waiting outside to greet guests. As I walked up Gunthia ran to meet me apologizing that she had been busy and took my invitation to my house, but I wasn’t there, so she left it with the people downstairs. No worries I replied and entered the text. Barb had saved us two seats at her table and the others were already halfway through the meal. Glancing over my broiled fish, I saw HIM. The moto-dup driver that lives below me. Everything suddenly clicked. Instead of giving me my invitation, they had kept it and went in my place! It didn’t matter they didn’t know who was getting married the free flow of beer was the only important thing. Argh. Freakin’ Cambodian men. I was so mad; I wanted to walk up and beat the guy over the head with a beer can. But, I saved face and just smiled and ignored him.

At home later that night I had another surprise. I had eaten something bad and was running to the bathroom every hour. The next day Charles graciously brought me coconuts, oral rehydration salts and toilet paper. Around 2 he took me to the doctor who said I had food poisoning and then gave me three different anti-parasite medications to take every 7 hours. The next day I was feeling better so I went to work to read emails. I had discovered my books for my online anthropology class hadn’t been mailed until December 29; Carrie’s parents (my curriers) arrived in Cambodia on the same day. After tracking down my books in Pennsylvania, remembering Joe is visiting next week and emailing all my MCC contacts about bringing three pounds of reading materials, I think I found a way to get the books here. Unfortunately the whole route (books get delivered, Carrie’s brother picks up books and takes them to Akron or Joe’s house all in less than 24 hours) seemed a little impossible.

I’m not one to sit around and read my Bible. I never have been, though I’m sure there were people in high school who thought I did that. However, New Year’s Eve, I found a verse that will carry me through this next year. My devotions that night was based on Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, a section of text I’m rather familiar with. However, reading over it once more reminded me that there’s never a time to fear. There’s so many unknowns in life, maybe some extra unknowns living in Cambodia, but there’s never any reason to fear them. Flipping through the pages I ran across Psalms 127: 2. That night, not celebrating the beginning of a new year, but rather focusing on all the things that may not happen reading “it is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved” resonated with me. How many times had I forsaken sleep for what I thought would fill me and give me comfort. I thought of the summer I worked two jobs, spending 14 hours a day earning money and never being rested. I thought of the anxiety I have for the upcoming year and how uncertain my future is. Yet, none of that mattered. That night I slept peacefully, worry free. There was nothing more I could do; God could take care of it through the night, as I slept, on the other side of the world.

And yes, my books did arrive.

Some Highlights

Christmas Eve.

I woke up this morning and refused to eat rice and pork. I biked to a local convenience store to buy yogurt. Now I’m sitting in a air conditioned cafe drinking a frappacino. Not quite Prey Veng. However, Prey Veng is an amazing place; here’s just some highlights from the past year.



Tasty Tea.



Fun at the office.




More fun at the office.






Christmas Kittens that randomly appeared in my bedroom though I still miss Cricket and Spot.




Good times with friends



A trip to the States and and different century.


Birthday surprises.




Barb with her new puppy Puzzle


Christmas, Khmer style.




PV market




Boat Trips to Angkeardei Primary School with eels in the boat.




Rainbows over Phnom Penh after a massive rain.


Chili Peppers!




American BBQs









Verdant rice paddies




Incredible sunsets





Merry Christmas!



As I’m looking forward, uncertainties lie everywhere. I only have about 8 months left in Cambodia. I want to cherish my time left in this tropical, eastern land, yet I anxiously await news about my future. Transition unsettles me. Though, Cambodia has taught me to embrace the rough parts, the waiting, the unknown. Cambodia has taught me to relax and consciously be aware of the chirping birds, loud horns, cool breezes, and computers that spontaneously break. Nothing is certain; perhaps that’s why faith is so important to me. Then again, it’s probably also why faith frustrates me so much.

Back in Cambodia

Today is two and a half weeks of being back in Cambodia. In a way it feels like I never left. In a different way, I don’t want to be back. Please don’t get me wrong, I truly do love Cambodia and my work isn’t finished here yet. Two years would have been too short and I wasn’t ready to stay in the States, at least not when I left Cambodia. But, man, when I was there, I wanted to stay. It was truly a glorious trip to the homeland, perhaps that’s why it was so hard for me to leave.

During orientation, all the single women met together to discuss issues that could arise during our terms and brainstormed constructive ways we could deal with them. This group of half a dozen women discussed many things-men, cultural assumptions, freedoms- yet we never once talked about loneliness. After living here for two years, I definitely have struggled with loneliness more than I ever thought possible. I’ve found out that despite being an introvert, I hate living by myself. It’s hard to engage the community around me because the people here don’t know what to do with me. I’m an anomaly to them; not being married, working in a small town with men, not having children, and being ok with that at this point in my life. Some day I’d like to be married with maybe a kid or two, but, according to Cambodian standards, I’m past my prime.

I’m starting to enter a transition time again. Though I’m still months away from leaving, I am looking at returning back to the States. I’ve started to prepare for my departure already by applying to grad schools and seeing where I move to. Unfortunately, I won’t know where I’m accepted for another couple of months. I hate this not knowing time, being proactive and responsible, yet still being anxious about the future, because frankly, I don’t know what will happen. And I want to know.

So, yeah, basically I’m not in a good place right now.

Thailand having a coup hasn’t helped things either. Rioters took over the Bangkok airport. Since all Cambodia mail goes through the Bangkok airport, aside from things sent via Fed-Ex, I haven’t gotten mail in about 3 weeks. But since last week, there was a cease-fire and cargo planes have started running again. Next week the airport opens for passengers. Of all the countries in SE Asia, I thought Cambodia would have coup, not Thailand. According to the 2007 Global Corruption Report by Transparency International, Cambodia is ranked 17th most corrupt country in the world, the third in Asia after Myanmar and Laos. Thailand ranks 87th most corrupt. Interesting...

Veteran's Day

November 11. Veteran’s Day.

My dad is a veteran. He served in the Navy from 1972 to 1975. Yup, during the Vietnam War. He was stationed in Scotland repairing submarines. Growing up, I heard him say it was the best years of his life. And why shouldn’t it be? A chance to learn a trade, see parts of the world he never would have, and have all your expenses paid for. However, he was ostracized because he wore a uniform. The stigma of the Vietnam War caused all military personnel to be personally responsible for what happened in Southeast Asia.

I live in Southeast Asia. I have never before met more generous people.

At church on Sunday, there was a tribute to all veterans. When the regiment’s anthem was played, each soldier stood to be recognized. My dad stood. I was bewildered. What is this world that I’m a part of?

I believe in humanity. People. Life.

I come from a community that looks up to their military; I will always look up to my dad. However, I don’t believe in the military. There is a disconnect between my two worlds.

Blessed are the peacemakers. Peacemakers. What a loaded word. Can peace really be created on earth? When the Prince of Peace came, didn’t he just bring more conflict and trouble to the world? The Christianity I grew up in is violent. It’s destructive, painful, and narrow-minded. I never thought a belief system I so cherished could hold so much pain and suffering.

I am still the daughter of a navy veteran. I still claim to be a Christian. Yet, in recent years, I’ve found my beliefs aligning themselves with the peace teachings of Jesus. Though theology doesn’t thrill me and I only have limited knowledge, I believe Jesus called us to be peacemakers. He called me to be actively moving towards a more peaceful life. Unfortunately, I’ve found when Jesus starts tugging at me, there’s no limit to where I could end up.

So how do I say I am the pacifist daughter of a veteran? I can’t imagine what those who are and have been part of the United States military have gone through. Their experiences are real and are valuable and I don’t want to undermine them. I understand where they come from; I came from the same place. Yet, my faith journey has taken me to a different place.

But is this place so different? Fundamentally, it’s the same place; we still believe in the same God. Our interpretation is just different. My former leader in Cambodia once said it’s not always the solution that matters, but the act of wrestling with an issue. When we contemplate injustice, views, and interpretations, we grow and broaden our horizons. When we struggle, we allow God to work in us. As I struggle with my views on the military, I allow God to work on my views and my, sometimes harsh, interpretations.

2 years

Yesterday, October 16, marked two years with MCC. I celebrated with Charles, Amy, and Scott at the Kiwi Bakery. Two weeks from today I'll be sitting in Orange County, Virginia. I'll be eating dinner with my family, just like I never left. Two days ago I freaked out; I realized I'm really leaving Prey Veng for six weeks. One week from tomorrow is the GRE. I need calm and serenity, not the turmolt that currently churns my heart. I claim to be a pacifist, but how can I create peace in the world when so many opposing emotions bubble unconciously to the surface?

Another Post

Recently while reading other’s blogs I have been challenged. As I found by reading other MCCer’s blogs, I think we all have struggles with the inconsistencies between our lives and those around us, whether with living arrangements, foods consumed, or the availability of purchasing consumer goods. I believe my fellow MCC collegues have struggled with this issue and come to the same conclusion; we are not in control nor should we attempt to control the world around us or the inconsistencies we see each day. There’s this delicate balance in the world. However, I feel I have personally just shut down instead of being challenged and invigorated to overcome these issues. And as you can see from the lack of my posting lately, I haven’t had much time to reflect.

Now I have been busy so I could blame not planning time for reflection on my hectic schedule or on constantly traveling or sharing computers in the office or being distracted by Facebook or weddings or friends visiting or ... the list could go on and on. As I look at my work here, I’m afraid I’m not very encouraged either. I was talking with WPM’s former adviser a couple weeks ago. Elijah is back in Cambodia for his wedding to Sina on Saturday. We were catching up and talking about WPM and I mentioned how I wrote as my main goal for the year is to have WPM continue to exist after 2008. Elijah nodded his head knowingly and said he often felt the same way. argh. If he felt this way two years ago and now I’m dealing with the same frustrations, is WPM ever going to find stable funding and cut down on their travel costs? Sometimes I wonder.

But I don’t always see results. And I want to! But at the same time I’m not willing to invest myself in Cambodia for a decade or longer to see those much coveted results others like Barb or Bee Nogh or Susie have seen that I haven’t. Where’s the balance? I surely can’t continue like I’ve been for the past couple of months as a sieve catching hardly anything that I am exposed to while simply watching everything else filter though. I’m getting restless again.

Have I gotten too comfortable here that I’ve desensitized myself? Or have I been living in survival mode for the past year and a half? Or is it something in between the two that I haven’t quite placed my finger on yet?

I don’t like doing something just to do it; busywork drives me nuts. I need to be working towards something that will have a tangible result for the better good as a whole. If I see myself still in when I should be moving I get extremely frustrated. Perhaps part of my problem is that I get restless when I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life. But as Gandhi reminds me “It’s the action, not the fruit of the action, that’s important. You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there’ll be any fruit. But that doesn’t mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”

A wonderful birthday

This is the third time I've written this...my flash disk broke and one of the computers at the office is crap.

So....

I had a wonderful visit with my mom who was here the end of March. We were able to visit Prey Veng Saturday through Monday and then do some stuff together in Phnom Penh. She came with a medical team that held clinics in and around the capital for the week that she was here; however, she had a strange reaction/rash for part of the trip, so she stayed with me. Personally I think the rash was a blessing in disguise as I was able to spend the entire time with my mom and relax.

Showing my daily life to someone fresh from North America was exciting, yet challenging. I'm comfortable with my life here, but it does lack previous comforts that I used to expect- air conditioning, screens, personal cars, temperature controlled markets where the meat comes in Styrofoam packages and is clearly labeled with ingredients and price. I love the fresh, outdoor markets where women call and entice you to purchase their goods and you can smell the fruits as you walk by, but I think my mom didn't like the pig heads or racks of acrid beef.

One of the highlights of her visit was meeting my host family. When we arrived at my host family's house, they all ran in front of the house to meet us. I introduced my host mom to my mom as "Khmer mom meet American mom" and they both just smiled. Buntha, my host dad, was especially glad my host mom came to meet them. We had a wonderful talk and then went around to see the mango and papaya trees as well as the rice paddy in the back and other vegetables that they grow. Afterwards, my host mom gave us a bag full of mangoes to take back to my house.

Sunday we went to the Easter service at my church in PV. It was a lovely service and afterwards we shared beef curry and chicken cabbage salad together. That afternoon I had a tea for all of the various expats in Prey Veng could come meet my mom and eat chocolate. I figured that way my mom could meet the people I talk about in emails and she could get to know they a bit better. That night, however, she was starting to get her fill of bugs and heat. Her rash started to show up and she was getting miserable.

Tuesday was my birthday and I had the best present I could ask for! As my mom's rash was still pretty bad, we were advised to stay in PP near the air conditioning because the group was going 40 kilometers into Kandal Province (to the southeast of PP, on the way to Prey Veng). We spent the morning in ac comfort watching Animal Planet and Mythbusters. Midmorning we visit Rehab Craft, a fair trade store that Carrie works with, to buy some silk purses and gifts for people back home. Afterwards we went to lunch at Java Cafe where I was able to get a blueberry smoothie. (Yes, blueberry smoothies are available in Cambodia. At only $3 a pop, you can have one too! But with a personal allowance of $66 a month, this rarely happens.) Afterwards we returned to the hotel and I went to MCC to check my email and mailbox which was full of letters from lovely friends! That evening I invited Amy, Carrie, and Lauren up to KFC for dinner. My mom and I were feeling lazy and didn't want to go far, and the rest of us wanted an excuse to have KFC!

Wednesday we also stayed near the hotel and visited the central market. Thursday was the group's free day and we visited Toul Sleng in the morning along with a quick trip to the Russian Market. Toul Sleng was a high school before the Khmer Rouge. In 1975 when Pol Pot came into power, it was transformed into an interrogation/torture center. After the desired information was extracted, the victims were taken to Choeung Ek, or the Killing Fields. Now it is a museum to commemorate those who suffered. This past Tuesday I was talking to Gunthia about the Khmer Rouge. She said she did believe the genocide happened (some Cambodians don't believe this happened and blame it on the Vietnamese) as her mother told her stories of her family being split up and family ties being broken down. Her mother didn't have enough to eat and was forced to work in the rice fields.

Friday was another free day and I enjoyed spending it with both my mom and my uncle, Curtis, who came along. I was able to take them to one of my favorite restaurants in Phnom Penh, Khmer Restaurant, for lunch and then we wandered around the Central Market and Sorya for a while and bought ice cream. I ate a lot of ice cream while they were here. That evening Amy met us at the airport as I said goodbye. I was really thankful for the visit and it was quite wonderful.

Now however, I need to refocus on work, which is a little difficult. Khmer New Year is next week so we get 3 days off. I'm going to Siem Reap (to see Angkor Wat) and Rattanankiri with friends. A week and a half later, I'm going to Laos on the MCC Southeast Asia retreat. A week after I return from Laos is the King's birthday it's another 3 day holiday. So, even though I won't be working, I'll definitely be busy over the next month or two.

Times are a-changing...

Tela is open!!! A Tela mart opened in Prey Veng two weeks ago and it's amazing. The closest comparrison I can think of is a 7-11 without the slurpies. Ah slurpies...Anyway, they do have ice cream, lovely, cold, refreshing mocha chip ice cream. I never thought I'd sit in my house in Prey Veng and eat ice cream. It's also the one public place in town that has air conditioning and with the hot season officially starting Sunday, March 09, that's welcomed news. While I'm super excited about Tela, this new store has changed Prey Veng. I suddenly feel my experience in PV is not quite as rustic as it was, or even should be. I think back to my life a year ago when I thought there was no way Cambodia could get hotter (it certainly did) and struggled with living with my host family and a lack of direction on where to even how to start my assignment here. The dusty roads seemed unchanged for years, yet progress has come and I now can point out new houses that have been built or new developments. The road between PP and PV has greatly improved-each bridge is in and half the road is paved, though Friday when I came back, the road was a muddy slosh pit. Some developments are so swift, yet some things seem they never change.

Like Khmer men. I have decided they never change and as the token white girl I have (too much) experience. Dani, a young woman who attend my church and works at the youth center, got married two weeks ago. I attended her wedding and then the reception in the evening. I decided to go to a shop and get my hair and makeup done since some of my friends had been asked me to. I also decided since this was my first rural wedding, I should experience it as much as I could. Dinner was fine as I sat with Scott, Charles, Gunthia (the first teacher) and her fiancé. At one point while we were eating, Soperak, the pastor, came over, said he didn't recognize me and then mumbled something about a second wife. (Polygomy isn't practiced here though it's normal for men to have a song-sa, or girlfriend, in addition to a wife. Usually it's hush-hush.) Later when the dancing started I would only dance with girls. One wonderful thing about Asian culture is that girls do stuff with girls and guy with guys. This includes dancing, touching, etc and it's not seen as strange. When a guy would ask me to dance I simply said no and went off with Gunthia (the second teacher). However, there was this one man who asked me to dance. I replied "I only dance with women." He said, "Oh, but I'm a woman!" Clearly you're not.

It gets better. Last Thursday I went into PP to meet with WPM about some things. I returned Friday morning for my language lesson. While on the ferry a young man came up to me, flipped out his camera phone, 'click' and walked away. He said nothing to me. About 5 minutes later when I got another taxi on the other side of the ferry the same thing happened. A group of taxi drivers/ random men got another phone and took my picture. Khmer men annoy me. They could at least have asked before they took the picture..

Saturday was the opening for Love Cambodia. LC is a NGO Scott has been working with and they celebrated becoming an official NGO as they registered with the Ministry of Interior a couple months ago. The ceremony was nice and I got a free t-shirt. Lunch was surprisingly tasty and Charles, Sam, Rob and I had a wonderful discussion on the Democratic race. I always love the different view I get when I am overseas during a presidential race.

The next couple of weeks are going to be busy. Next weekend is the MCC staff trip to Kompong Som, the beach. My mom and Uncle Curtis arrive in Cambodia on March 20. I'm excited my mom will be able to visit PV and see a glimpse of my life here. She'll also get to see the Easter program at my church and celebrate my birthday with me. My mom will only be here for a little over a week, but I'm glad she'll at least understand the place where I've invested my life for three years.

So what are the rules?

Last Saturday I paid off the police for the first time. Amy and I were on our way to Carrie's house after shopping at the Central Market and I was taking back roads in an effort to get to an intersection with Monivong that doesn't have a cement barrier in the center. However, I still couldn't cross so I went north again and wanted to turn left onto Monireith to go back towards the southwest part of town. I could have made an illegal U-turn but I saw the sign and the police at the intersection so I turned left instead. But as soon as I got through the intersection, the police flagged me over. Then the police said I didn't have a license plate-I was driving the newly purchased moto- but there was a piece of paper on the front fender with the required information so that wasn't a problem. But the policeman kept saying I made a wrong turn so I called Chylong, let them talk and then was outraged I had to pay 5000 riel instead of the normal 2000 riel. (~4000=$1) Anyway, I paid off the policeman after arguing with him for about 5 minutes and then drove away. I didn't even get a ticket. Personally, I'm surprised this hasn't happened before now; the traffic rules here are rather fluid and not always stated enforced equally.
While the policeman was talking Chylong on my phone, another policeman tried to pull over another moto. However, the driver simply kicked the policeman and drove off. How do you change the mass's opinion of embracing laws and acknowledging when they broke them?
On a different note, Sreimom, the Administrative Assistant in the Phnom Penh office, got married on Sunday. I drove the truck to the reception along with 7 other women in the cab. The wedding was fun and some of us danced after the meal. Sreimom looked beautiful and we all met her husband.
Work wise, I have been writing lots of reports. The fiscal year for MCC is March through February and planning for 2008-2009 is in two weeks. Since RADE is a new partner I have been writing alot of reports for them as well as updating the old WPM file. WPM is still looking for donors for this year and so far nothing is guaranteed beyond MCC.
And two months till my mom is here!

Merry Christmas

Celebrating Christmas in a Buddhist country is, well, interesting. Last year Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas, mainly because I missed all the commercialization that goes along with the holiday. I love it when I hear nothing but carols for a full month and see decorations everywhere and enjoy hot spiced cider and cookies on a chilly evening while wrapped up in a blanket. But that’s not what makes it Christmas.

Last year my brother recorded my grandfather reading the Christmas story and mailed the CD to me; I knew I’d miss that the most. I love living here, though during the holidays I do miss my family. But, when else could I eat basmati rice and garlic naan for Christmas Eve? Before my grandfather read the Bible, he gave a little talk and what struck me the most was his comment about “Christmas (being) a gift of love.” Though I don't have much experience in matters of love, I'm learning that to love is to let go. God had to let go of his son Jesus to save the rest of us. I'm learning to let go of my time, personal desires, and own comfort in exchange for others.

Last year I spent Christmas at the beach; this year I celebrated in Phnom Penh. I attended two Christmas celebrations-the first at Amy’s host family’s house church where her youngest sister was dressed up as Santa and we sang Joy to the World with an irregular melody. The second was at an international church service with the traditional English carols. (I just got a package from my Aunt Gail with peach tea -on the 26th-…yum!) Both were lovely services.

Christmas eve I went on an international progressive dinner with several of my MCC friends. We started at a Thai restaurant for appetizers, continued with an Indian main course and finished with French mousse. Absolutely delicious! The girls went to Carrie’s house to watch Elf and sleep over afterwards. Christmas morning we had a big western breakfast and then opened the gifts from our Secret Santa. Later in the day a bunch of us went for massages. And afterwards I even got a hot shower!

And for Christmas this year I somehow I got the disease that keeps on giving. Apparently the very, very last symptom of dengue fever is your hair falls out approximately six months after the initial attack. Very strange. And I'm battling parasites. :) But I do believe I'll win this fight with some help from metronidazole.

As I sit here on the last night of the year writing, listening to four part harmony hymns, reflecting on the past year and a bit, I realize I'm blessed. Yes I miss my family and friends, blueberries, and familiar traditions, I couldn't ask for more. Except another amazing year in Cambodia!

i'm still here...

As you may know, I have recently signed up for Facebook...and I'm addicted. It's so amazing how easy I can contact my friends from America or who I went to school with. It's so great to keep in touch with people I haven't seen for a year, but I also had a scary realization. But that's not really my excuse for not posting in 2 months. And the real excuse eludes me...

I knew things at home would change while I was off on my adventure in Cambodia. But I didn't take into account how much I would change. Granted I knew I would change because how can you not change when you invest yourself in the lives of people here? Surely this challenge of living in limbo between two countries was no different than any other balancing act I've done in my life. But the fact is, I look forward to Sunday afternoons when the youth group (anyone over 14 and unmarried...the oldest person is 26 or 27) meets for a short devotional, singing and playing silly games. And, those who lose usually have to embarrass themselves by dancing for the others. So far I've been able to understand enough of the instructions to avoid this. In only a year, I have left relationships from NA slide as I struggled to establish friendships here. And in two years, what will these relationships amount to? It will be time for me to return to my birth country and once again leave the life I knew. But it's a life I can never live again. Friends marry, families move, and me, well, I'm falling for this country.

I can't believe a year has gone by already. Last year when I first saw the Khmer alphabet all I saw was pretty scribbles, but now I can read it and understand the meaning. The other changes are harder to describe. Never before in my life have a felt so content to be where I currently am and not yearning for something different. Yet, never before have I missed my family and friends in America so much.

Last weekend was the Water Festival. Last year when I first arrived it was the Water Festival, so I didn't remember much other than walking around and being extremely thirsty because I didn't have any riel to buy a drink. This year was much better, for one because it's been so cool, in the 70s. I even have to use a blanket at night! The Water Festival celebrates the end of the monsoon season and be beginning of the dry season. Held in Phnom Penh on the Tonle Sap, there are boat races and in the evening florescent floats. I skipped the races as we had a Thanksgiving meal at MCC and then I was too interested in scrabble instead. In the evening Amy and I went to see the floats...and the throngs of people. The roads were blocked off near the waterfront so we had to walk several blocks just get to the water. After walking around and seeing each of the government sponsored floats, we found a bench to sit down while I enjoyed an ear of corn, and Amy ate a dumpling. And later as we were preparing to leave, we stopped for ice cream. Ah, ice cream-it's one of my indulgences in the capital.

Our monthly team meeting is going to be held in Prey Veng later this week. So far, this is the second time we've convinced the PP MCCers to come out. It should be interesting; seven girls will be staying at my house!

I'm now on Facebook! Yes, I know I'm slow at these things, but at least I've jumped on the bandwagon now. And I'm slowly finding my friends, or they are finding me...like my former neighbor Val. The internet is amazing!

It's now official!

Exactly ten months to the day I arrived in Cambodia, I was made the official partner advisor to Women Peacemakers, WPM. WPM is a local NGO that works with various peace/ nonviolence issues by holding trainings to educate local villagers to work through conflict to find a peaceful solution. Last month I attended a training in Dombar District, Kompong Cham province ( north of PV). The two days that I observed were on women's/child's rights, rape, and trafficking. Sona, the director and main presenter, was amazing in her teaching method. They kept asking the participants questions and if they understood. They also divided the larger group into smaller groups for discussion and group work. This is something that's not really done in the education system here, but it helped the participants to learn the material. On the last day of the 5 day training, a test is given to see how much material was mastered. Those who score the highest are then invited to attend the Conflict Resolution Training.

Those two days where very helpful in the transition between MCC advisors and for me to grasp a better understanding of what WPM does. I must admit that I was first excited about being part of a newly developing program so I didn't have to fill someone else's shoes. Well, as it turns out, MCC started working with WPM four years ago when Elijah Penner arrived, who is basically the poster child for MCC Cambodia. But one night during dinner, Mony was excited that I really liked the soup made with pork, trakoun, and prahok (rotten fish paste). She announced I liked prahok, but Elijah does not. We also had some good conversations, despite my lack of knowledge in law vocabulary in Khmer. I also enjoyed hanging out with some amazing, motivated Khmer women and talk about something other than how white my skin is or babies. The whole experience calmed some of my fears about situation. For one thing, I live in PV, not PP where the WPM office is, so most of the communication is happening over email or phone. (I now can have a conversation in Khmer over the phone and actually understand! I never understood how much easier it is to speak face to face before.)

Andrea left about two weeks ago. Before her term finished she wanted to go get pictures taken so I said I'd go with her. We certainly do look like barbies don't we?

Last Thursday I went to visit Barb's family again, this time spending the night. Her mother-in-law is so sweet. Barb and I went walking in the rice paddy and her mom decided to follow us and was pointing out all the herbs and leaves they use to make soups and sauces. It's so beautiful. It's the same village where Gunthia, the young women I'm learning to read and write Khmer from, got a job. She passed her teaching exams and she'll be leaving later this month since school starts October 1st. It takes about an hour and a half to get to the district, Kanhchriech. So I'm looking for another Khmer teacher. Gunthia told me she knew of someone else who could help me, but I'm still disappointed to see her leave. I might still see her at church on Sundays if she decides to come visit her parents or fiancé; she got engaged last week.

About a week ago MCC PV decided to hire some permanent staff. Before we only had temporary translators helping us with some surveys as needed, but now we hired Sophal in a more permanent office position. Last year he was part of the IVEP program and guess where he lived? Waynesboro, PA! Can you believe it? (It's the same town where my grandma lives and my other extended family lives about 10 minutes away.) I can't believe there was a Cambodian so close and I didn't even know it. Anyway, he had a very good experience and was looking for a job. I met him at the IVEP reentry lunch we had at the office in PP and things grew from there. So below is a picture of MCC Cambodia, Prey Veng. (L to R, bottom- me, Sophal, Sopheak, Charles, top- Scott, Dani, Pao)

It's been a while. . .

Written July 7th

Another month has passed. The rainy season has been coming full force; almost every day there has been a downpour. I no longer live on a dirt road, but the potholes still make going anywhere an obstacle course. The other day I took a shortcut to the internet shop, but the road was nothing more than a mud pit. The market is a mess. I come back with my purchases and my legs and pants are polka dotted with brown spots. And the rainy season has only just begun!

And speaking of the market, I now only go two or three times a week...I have a fridge! And a real oven. The Graber-Neufelds left Cambodia a little over a week ago and I adopted their oven and Barb got a new fridge so I purchased hers. Last week I was standing on my porch drinking a cold glass of water. I have never appreciated cold water so much before.

I visited Dhammyhatara, an NGO that works with patients with terminal illnesses-mainly AIDS and cancer, with Sherry about two weeks ago. This organization works in Banteay Mancheay, the northeastern province next to Thailand. Mainly they provide home visits to patients so check up on their progress and deliver more medicine as needed. Also, DYBM works with the local hospital, mainly in the pediatric clinic where dengue has been really bad this year. Within the past year a new hospital has been built with donations from Japan. Wow, that places does not even compare to the referral hospital in PV. Sherry, Arlis (head of DYMB), and I got a tour from the head surgeon.

On our way back to PP, Sherry and I stopped at the Emergency Hospital in Battambong to visit a burn victim, Chean Vin, who Sherry met back in December. He was an illegal migrant working in Thailand and while working was spilt with chemicals. His work buddies took him to the hospital and left him, but he was brought back to Cambodia. His father has since remarried and his new wife no longer wants to care for this son from a previous marriage. (Stepchildren are often banished from an immediate family and sent to grandparents or other relatives.) Last December when Sherry met this man, he was laying on a cot with oozing wounds and contorted limbs. DYMB decided to help and sent him to a hospital in PP, but since he was malnourished they couldn't help him, so he was sent back to Battambong to the Emergency Hospital. The dilemma when we visited was that his father didn't want to stay at the hospital and care for him; he wanted to return to his wife and other kids in Mongkol Borei. The hospital structure here is so different from the States. Families still care for their sick one in the hospital by providing food/ feeding, fanning them, bathing them, etc. The nurses will change their wounds but the patient is still dependant upon their family. But when the family is taking care of them, they are not working and losing money for rest of their family. So, basically an injury is a compounded problem. For this young man, 21, his whole life is changed. Due to lack of immediate attention, his limbs contorted and now he needs physical therapy. And I stand here and watch and wonder what I can do.

So, what am I doing? I complain I don't have a partner organization yet, but we, as the PV unit, are taking steps towards that. We have started to interview translators and have started surveying local NGOs in PV province. But the work is slow. Life here is slow and you meander your way through. Khmer aren't very direct people, perhaps that's part of it. I feel I can't explain how life here is; you have to experience it to understand it. I think back to college where I used every minute to its fullest and went weeks without enough sleep. I'm not as 'busy' here, but I'm not bored.

Amy left today. But she'll be back in two months; I'll still miss her though. The next two months will be a time of change as the Sandovals leave and three new SALTers arrive and two new families and another single woman.

I still love getting emails. Life in America still goes on too.

July 30, 2007

Well, the goal was to post the previous post at the beginning of the month but the past few weeks have taken a path I did not expect. For those of you who don't know, which means you're not in direct contact with my mother, I had dengue fever. And as being my first major tropical illness, it wasn't fun. But it wasn't so bad either. The worst point was on the second day when I was dehydrated and it took the nurses 5 times to get an IV in my arm at the clinic.

For those of you who want details, I'll list a summary of my dengue experience! I woke up on Thursday July 12 with a headache. I rarely get headaches, but it wasn't that bad, so I went to the market and the internet shop. But by the time I got to the internet shop, I knew something wasn't right and left without checking my email. I went to the office and laid down for a bit. Then the next hour consisted of trying to get Scott's attention, who was reading the newspaper on the porch, and tell him to go buy a thermometer. Needless to say my temperature was around 39 C and we called Nurse Sherry to see what she thought. She said not to worry until it get around 40C (104 F), so I went home. Scott and Charles stocked me with coconuts and blankets (I was freezing in 90 F weather) and decided I shouldn't be alone. They also called Barb, another expat who has lived in PV for 12 years and is a midwife, and she came and said yup, it's dengue. Barb then saw my cat and asked if she had a recent bowel movement and how she was doing. Never mind that I have dengue, Cricket is the important one!

Crystal, Charles's girlfriend, was visiting that week and was staying with me. I'm so thankful she was here and could spend that night with me. I slept ok, but was starting to get dehydrated. The next morning Scott brought a taxi to my house and along with Crystal we went to PP. The trip was dreadful. There's been road construction on the road between Neak Leoung and Phnom Penh for the past 8 months. And the car didn't have air conditioning. And I hurt everywhere. But we got to PP and I got to see the doctor. And then they decided to admit me...for five days. And here is when the ÏV got put in. About day 5 my fever broke and I was no longer dehydrated. My headache went away around day 6 when the rash appeared.

Sherry was amazing through everything. Cambodia has the best CRs ever! Food isn't provided in clinics here so she brought me fruit to entice my appetite, which was completely non-existent for about 6 days, coconuts, drinks, and even spent two nights in the bed beside mine in the clinic for moral support. After I got out of the clinic the Groffs let me stay at their house for another 6 days until I felt strong enough to come back to Prey Veng.

The strange thing about it is, is that I'm still recovering. I have heard anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks for full recovery and they weren't joking. I feel fine and look normal again, but I tire so easily and my energy is zapped by lunchtime. My liver is still functioning at a high level and my last blood tests showed my platelets were still low. But I'm taking it easy and going slow. And since there are four strains of dengue, I am determined not to get it again. Just because I won the prize for being the first PV member to get dengue (we had a joke that I would be the first one to get it since mosquitoes love me anyway) does not mean I'll get it again.

Friday when I went into PP for a partnership meeting at MCC, I tried to talk to the young mother sitting across the aisle from me on the bus. She said he son had dengue and that it was really bad this year. I said I just had dengue and she turned to me and said no you don't have it! Most Cambodians believe only children can get dengue. For someone who grows up here, most people do have it as a child and don't get it again. So when a foreigner says she just had dengue and there is no more rash; they don't believe her. And dengue has been really bad this year. More children have died so far this year than all the cases resulting in death from last year.