Back in Cambodia

Today is two and a half weeks of being back in Cambodia. In a way it feels like I never left. In a different way, I don’t want to be back. Please don’t get me wrong, I truly do love Cambodia and my work isn’t finished here yet. Two years would have been too short and I wasn’t ready to stay in the States, at least not when I left Cambodia. But, man, when I was there, I wanted to stay. It was truly a glorious trip to the homeland, perhaps that’s why it was so hard for me to leave.

During orientation, all the single women met together to discuss issues that could arise during our terms and brainstormed constructive ways we could deal with them. This group of half a dozen women discussed many things-men, cultural assumptions, freedoms- yet we never once talked about loneliness. After living here for two years, I definitely have struggled with loneliness more than I ever thought possible. I’ve found out that despite being an introvert, I hate living by myself. It’s hard to engage the community around me because the people here don’t know what to do with me. I’m an anomaly to them; not being married, working in a small town with men, not having children, and being ok with that at this point in my life. Some day I’d like to be married with maybe a kid or two, but, according to Cambodian standards, I’m past my prime.

I’m starting to enter a transition time again. Though I’m still months away from leaving, I am looking at returning back to the States. I’ve started to prepare for my departure already by applying to grad schools and seeing where I move to. Unfortunately, I won’t know where I’m accepted for another couple of months. I hate this not knowing time, being proactive and responsible, yet still being anxious about the future, because frankly, I don’t know what will happen. And I want to know.

So, yeah, basically I’m not in a good place right now.

Thailand having a coup hasn’t helped things either. Rioters took over the Bangkok airport. Since all Cambodia mail goes through the Bangkok airport, aside from things sent via Fed-Ex, I haven’t gotten mail in about 3 weeks. But since last week, there was a cease-fire and cargo planes have started running again. Next week the airport opens for passengers. Of all the countries in SE Asia, I thought Cambodia would have coup, not Thailand. According to the 2007 Global Corruption Report by Transparency International, Cambodia is ranked 17th most corrupt country in the world, the third in Asia after Myanmar and Laos. Thailand ranks 87th most corrupt. Interesting...