I've been thinking a lot about leaving lately. Amy and I reserved airplane tickets the other week; I'm actually leaving. July 26 to be exact. Less than 3 months from now.
I think my mind, and body, are getting ready for the transition. I'm craving salads and western food. The other day I realized I had started a mental list of thing I will NOT miss when I leave. Dust. Constantly being dirty. Kids yelling 'hello' (these are the same kids who see me everyday!). Men hacking up loogies (HATE THAT). Sweating...constantly. Traveling incessantly.
And of course there are things I'm so excited for in the States like blueberries. Family. Friends. People who obey traffic lights!
Yet, I don't want to do this. Not yet. I can't. As much as I am anticipating returning to the States, I don't want to think about it. I still don't know what I'm doing when I return. Still waiting for that letter that was mailed almost a month ago. I don't want to think about goodbyes. I have lived here for almost 3 years; I'm rooted here. How can I just up and leave when I don't know when I am returning. If I am returning.
Last night I went to the Bella Voce benefit concert. Two fellow MCCers, Susie and Daniel, are a part of the group and since I was in the big city of Phnom Penh, I took advantage of the opportunity. The concert was held in the ballroom of the 5 star Intercontinental Hotel (carpet, couches, ornate decorations, GRASS!), a completely different world. The theme was African spiritual songs and shortly after intermission a Cambodian tenor, Chanthavouth Hy who is currently studying in Canada, led us in a wonderful round of Edelweiss and 3 other selections. I thoroughly enjoyed the event; yet, it was a strange conglomeration of West and East. Like my breakfast this morning, fresh mangoes, yogurt and tea. Or the dress I'm getting made for my cousin's wedding this fall-Asian silk in a Western design. I'm stuck at this crossroads; I don't want to choose between the East and West, I want a merger of the two...like the concert last night.
Yet, when I return to the States will I continue with this integration? Will I allow the past three years to stay with me as I readapt to the now foreign North American country of which I am a citizen? Thursday we had our Prey Veng Expat Bible study. Barb shared how Cambodia will always be with us, no matter where God leads. I totally agree with her, but will I simply find it easier to assimilate back into American culture by abandoning my experiences here? Friday I was meandering around the internet and wound up reading some cooking/recipe related blogs about women who are wives and stay at home moms. Suddenly I saw my future flash before my eyes and I freaked out. I cannot allow myself to become that. Ever. But ten years ago that's what I wanted. Now it is my deepest fear.
Perhaps my fear lies in my interpretation. I see these women as having no ambition beyond their children, and while that is fantastic, I'm not in that place. I also see them as proud supporters of Walmart, cheap prices, labor exploitation, poverty, overpopulation and a lifestyle that encourages inequalities in the world. A lifestyle that supports the economic oppression of poorer countries by large corporations, valuing their own families yet forgetting the families of subsistence farmers in Guatemala where their morning coffee is grown. My fear is that I'll become complacent, enjoy the bountiful excesses of the West, and forget my experience heres. The dire poverty. The dirty/muddy, unpaved roads traveled by bicycle, moto, motorcycle, minivan, bus, truck and foot. The markets full of fresh, luscious whole foods without added chemicals or unnecessary packaging. The simple beauty of a bowl of perfectly steamed rice.
Despite the concerns rising in my heart, I know it will all work out. God has led me here and will lead me again. I just need to be patient.
