This year I've found waiting to be an integral part of my daily activities. I have been waiting to see Tim on December 15 when we would fly to California together for Christmas with his family. I have been looking forward to this for so long. Sometimes patiently, sometimes frustrated, I have counted the weeks, then days, and now hours.
I'm a person who likes to look forward to things, even simple things such as going to the farmer's market on Saturday, waiting for bread to rise, the walk home from school, or going to a movie with my brother. Knowing that I will be able to enjoy that certain activity fills me with joy and, somehow, I become more productive. But usually, right before that long-awaiting activity materializes I am engulfed with a flood of doubts. I become nervous, giddy, excited, scared and uncharacteristically scattered.
WPMF has an Advent theme song this year. At first I was disappointed because it’s not a traditional Christmas carol, but rather a comforting melody of God’s assurance. God sent his son, Jesus; isn’t that assurance enough? But Jesus hasn’t been born yet; we can’t yet celebrate his arrival. We’re still waiting, doubting, giddy, excited, scared, and uncharacteristically scattered. We still need the calm assurance that Jesus will come not only in the silence, but in the noise of Septa buses; not only in the warmth of decorated houses, but in the bitter night on a park bench; not only around a table of plenty, but among the bare pantry shelves; not only in our hearts, but into our actions.
And while this waiting is all fine and grand, it’s only a muddled reflection of that sheer, abundant joy of seeing months of anticipation materialize before your eyes.
Now Advent is over. I was reunited with my love, met his family and had an amazing time in California. In Khmer, if you are particularly well, you say you have a ‘happy heart’…my happy heart was bursting with joy and thankfulness just to be with Tim. While I enjoyed our visit to the Cambodian community in Long Beach, hiking in Yosemite National Park, strolling down Christmas Tree Lane, tour Alcatraz, eating delicious Indian food in Berkeley, seeing the magnificent Pacific coast along CA State Road 1, I found I enjoyed sitting next to each other in church, listening to him play piano, shopping in Asian markets, meeting up with friends from Cambodia and Cambodian friends, making MCC school kits, cooking in his parents’ kitchen, camping in the rain, trekking up unconventional paths from the Pacific, listening to music in the car, walking down Huntington Boulevard, playing Settlers with his family or watching NOVA just as much. I can’t say which part of the trip was my favorite, other than experiencing everything with Tim made it immensely more wonderful.
But then my heart was ripped out as I left Tim at the Philly airport waiting for his plane to Germany. Once again, I realize I need the assurance that God will come to me not only when my heart is full of joy, but when I can’t seem to stop the flow of tears; not only when I’m focused and productive but when I’m distracted and complacent; not only when I’m content, but when I’m longing for something else. This time acknowledging my need for God isn’t a concrete manifestation of something I can physically do; it’s a spiritual exercise in diligently working on my responsibilities here as I have reentered what I see as a period of waiting. The only thing is… I believe God doesn’t see this a period of waiting, but rather a time to experience life more fully.
