Um, Thanks?

Last night was the MCC going away party for Amy, Christa, Karin, and myself. Overall it went well; my partners came, we had noam banh chao, and everyone enjoyed themselves. The evening was a bit surreal for me; it still doesn't seem real that I'm leaving Cambodia in two weeks. My partners still call me at all times of the day, I'm still living in my house, and I haven't said goodbyes yet. It felt like the party was for the others leaving, not for me. For one, the Groffs were missing. All night, it was just off...farewell parties were always special because the Groffs made it special by encouraging the MCC team to choose a personalized gift for those leaving. They also gave a mini speech about how thankful MCC was that the service worker gave so much for Cambodia. Last night there wasn't any of that from MCC. However, both my partners took me aside and thanked me for what I have contributed to their organizations. Bunrey from NILH, thanked me twice. I'll never forget them.

Typically when a MCCer leaves, the group gets together and buys them a small gift as a token of appreciation. We've given a wide variety of things to others in the past; I was hoping for the "From Spiders to Waterlilies" cookbook from Friends. Not only does this cookbook include Cambodian foods I love, but it also reflects the ruralness of my assignment in that the book focuses on typical foods that would be found in the provinces. However, I received the same generic gift as the others, a book about Phnom Penh. Phnom Penh? Ugh. I live in Prey Veng, NOT Phnom Penh. In the front of the book, it was written that even though it's a book about Phnom Penh, it could reflect rural Cambodia too. It doesn't. There are no pictures of rice paddies, water buffalo, palm trees, fruit trees, flooded plains, cracked dry earth, or houses on stilts. This is the Cambodia I know. The hard, rugged Cambodia of malnutrition, domestic violence, and dire poverty. The sweet, welcoming Cambodia of smiling people, verdant rice paddies, and communion with the earth.

I don't care about a book about Phnom Penh. It's not where I have invested myself. Prey Veng has become my home in Cambodia. I don't need some useless book to remind me of my experiences here; I carry them in my heart. As for pictures, I have enough pictures to remind me of those who impacted me. I have my own picture book of Prey Veng. What was really getting to me about this gift was the disconnect between the urban and the rural....basically a theme of my term. Over and over again, I got frustrated at how those living in the city just don't understand what it's like to live in the countryside as a single female. But, why should I expect them to understand? These are my experiences, not theirs. These have been my struggles; they have had other struggles. There will always be a slight disconnect between the urban and rural assignments.

Last night I think I finally realized I have been expecting people to be able to understand, regardless of geographical setting. I can't have those expectations; I am the only one who can understand my interpretation of things in the way I experienced them. I can tell my stories and see the responses, but I can't expect others to constantly connect with me. Perhaps it is starting to sink in that I'm leaving. People in North America can only understand my experiences here so much; in fact it's a much larger disconnect than simply between urban and rural, it's cross cultural.

I need grace as I step into this time of transition. Grace that will allow me to slip up and make mistakes, not only as I readapt to North American life, but as I try to effectively communicate my stories about this place I have come to love.